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December 21, 2010

Intentional Parenting Tenant #2: Sincerity

Posted by butterandtoast under growing up, kids, parenting, Uncategorized | Tags: , , |
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This is part of a series. To read the first post, which discusses the origins, click here.

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Air Canada sponsored a holiday flash mob this week. It was a way to get travelers into the holiday spirit and, I am not embarrassed to admit, it made me cry a little. Flash mobs are emblems of sincere joy and unabashed enthusiasm; they stand in stark juxtaposition to the cynicism, aloofness, and indifference which pervades our media and pop cultural influences these days. Members of flash mobs say, If you’re happy and you’re not too cool to show it, clap your hands. And it warms my heart.

There is certainly a place for cynicism. Astronaut David T. Wolf once said that “idealism is what precedes experience, cynicism is what follows.” And I suppose that the world needs realists. How else can we act with intention if we do not fully understand the needs of an imperfect world? But, while years ago cynicism was closer to a sense of caution and realism, today cynicism is a philosophy and almost a sport.

I watched A Charlie Brown Christmas with my two-year-old the other night. He loved the music and Snoopy, and I loved the message. I don’t think I’d paid attention to it much in the past, but Charlie Brown’s earnestness in directing a serious Christmas pageant, picking an authentic Christmas tree, and considering the meaning of the holiday season, is so rare. Earnestness is thought of as a silly character trait in a world of Wikileaks, cable news, and non-stop advertising. An earnest person seems naive, or just unable to play it cool.

It’s hard to wear an ironic t-shirt if you’re earnest.

Judith Acosta wrote a really articulate article this week called Narcissism: The New Normal? in which she links the decision of the psychiatric diagnostic standards manual (the DSM-V) to remove the narcissistic personality disorder from its roster to the pervasive narcissism we experience on a daily basis in the form of public cell phone conversations, meals interrupted by Blackberries, and Twitter being Twitter.

Acosta argues that “a trend of unrestrained entitlement and narcissism…has undermined not only our expectations (of each other, of government, of business, of life itself) but the natural order of family structure.” Her larger point involves the repercussions this cultural shift has on children and parenting, but I also think that the contrast between how we relate to one another today versus, say, fifty years ago, is shocking: When the focus of energy was on other people’s needs before our own–in the form of, say, prescribed manners and civics classes–people tended to behave more sincerely and less cynically. Think of Leave it to Beaver. We would call that show cheesy now. And yet people were entertained by it because it struck a chord close to what they knew and valued: Straightforwardness, sincerity, earnestness.

Believe me, I know the ’50s wasn’t all poodle skirts and milkshakes. But it was a time where people were often forced to consider other people’s needs before their own: TVs couldn’t record shows, so everyone had to agree or compromise on what to watch, most families had one car so schedules had to be coordinated, and people talked to each other far more than we do today. There were fewer distractions and diversions, so people talked.

On Conan O’Brien’s last night hosting The Tonight Show, he implored his audience in the following way:

“All I ask of you, especially young people…is one thing. Please don’t be cynical. I hate cynicism — it’s my least favorite quality and it doesn’t lead anywhere. Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard and you’re kind, amazing things will happen. I’m telling you, amazing things will happen.” 

As much as I never thought I would take parenting philosophies from a man who wears a pompadour, Conan articulated something that is important to our core happiness. And, above all else, we want our children to be happy; and it is hard to be happy when you are unhappy all the time. I mean, that kind of goes without saying, but that is was cynicism is. It is an attitude of “scornful or jaded negativity, especially a general distrust of the integrity or professed motives of others”(thefreedictionary.com).

Distrust the media. Fine. Scorn the laws you don’t agree with. Okay. But don’t distrust the kindness of a stranger helping you with bags at the airport. Don’t scorn the Christmas gift that isn’t exactly what you wanted. To be happy is to be kind in your actions and your thoughts. Usually one is harder than the other. But sincerity is to try–and to not be too cool to try.


 

July 27, 2010

The F Word

Posted by butterandtoast under feminism, how we live, parenting | Tags: , , , |
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My name is Sarah and I am a feminist.

I’ve tried to stop. I know it goes against today’s social norms. But I’ve come to terms with it. It’s not going away.

It started in college. Maybe with A Doll’s House. No, no. It started in high school. With The Yellow Wallpaper. Wait a minute, it must have been earlier than that: I remember being embarrassed by girls who spent all of recess watching the boys play ball instead of doing something fun for themselves. It must have started then.

It was a blessing that my high school did not have a cheerleading squad; I don’t think I would have been able to stomach it. Even now, watching cheerleaders at professional sports games makes me uncomfortable. I mean, what exactly is their purpose? Just to cheer for the men? What other sport is completely dependent on another for its existence?

When the Blackhawks won the Stanley Cup this year, there was a little-run news story about how the “Blackhawks Girls” were snubbed from taking part in the rally in downtown Chicago. I saw the interviews on our local news station and the girls seemed genuinely disappointed. I felt bad for them. All I could think was, How are you not in on the joke? Because if they were under the impression that they were somehow integral in the Blackhawks regaining the Stanley Cup after 49 years, they were seriously misguided. But I felt sympathetic to these women because, from a very young age, most girls understand that they are being judged on their ability to appeal to others.  And it’s easy to confuse that ability with true, authentic ability.

True ability involves skill, expertise, and proficiency. Which leads to power of one kind or another. And the neat thing about true abilities–intellect, creativity, resourcefulness–is that they don’t need to be validated by another person in order to be legitimate. Added bonus: they don’t get old, gray, or go out of style.

I don’t watch TV unless it is something I have recorded. This was not a conscious decision; it just seemed like every time I tried to channel surf I became depressed about the state our society, and specifically, women. But, recently, when I was in a particularly boring mood, and my DVR was filled almost to capacity with only Nova and The Soup, I tried my luck and watched what I will now only refer to as Dante’s Inferno. Though some of you might know it better as Keeping Up With the Kardashians.

It’s the kind of show I wouldn’t mind, and could even laugh at, if it weren’t so freaking popular. It’s popularity means that there are people who take this show seriously. And many of those are likely young women. The episode I watched showed a very-scripted Khloe pursuing the challenging and elusive goal of getting a bikini wax before her basketball-star husband returns home. You’d think a woman who can buy her husband at $400,000 car could figure out how to get herself to a salon. But, then, what would E! fill its thirty-minute episode with?

I shouldn’t mock. Khloe and her sister, Kourtney, spent the episode doing things most sisters do all the time:

  • Talk to Tommy Lee about women. And bikini wax shapes. And keeping a man happy. Because, you know, his opinion matters on these things.
  • Try on lingerie together. Come one step away from a pillow-fight in their skivvies.
  • Decide that the best solution to the nagging bikini-wax issue is a sister-on-sister bikini-wax party. (It gets so wild and crazy that they actually move from the couch to the kitchen counter.)

The entire focus of the episode is Khloe’s husband. And what will he think! if she is not properly trimmed! when he arrives back from playing basketball! (Which, by the way, is a true ability. Like, an actual skill.)

And the girls’ abilities? Well, I suppose waxing, if mastered, would count. But they don’t ever seem to master it. They burn and botch and, truth be told, that is where I turned it off. I didn’t have the stomach for any more of it. I spent the next hour wishing I’d watched Nova, and been further bored, instead of watching Dante’s Third and Fourth Circles, and become newly depressed.

Going into seventh grade I was a summer TV glutton. During the school year, my sister and I weren’t allowed to watch TV during the week, so I tried to make up for that deficit on summer nights. Every week, in the flimsy newspaper-issued TV Guide, I would highlight–actually highlight– the programs I wanted to watch. They were all reruns: always Mama’s Family, sometimes MASH, often Alice. There’s really no accounting for taste.

I was forbidden from watching Married…With Children (I can’t imagine why). But there were times throughout the week when I could sneak in an episode here and there. I never highlighted it in the TV Guide; instead I would put a little yellow dot next to it, as a reminder to myself. I was crafty like that. One July evening,  I was watching an episode in which a beautiful woman comes to Al Bundy’s door. It’s clear to the viewer that she is meant to be the epitome of feminine beauty: Blonde, tall…oh, and wearing nothing but a trench coat. Obviously.

Somehow, in a sitcom turn of fate, Al ends up feeling the woman’s legs, and about four minutes (of the 22-minute episode) are devoted to how silky, smooth, and buttery her legs feel. I remember watching that episode, turning off the TV, going to my parent’s room and lathering my legs with my mom’s Jergen’s Body Lotion. In thirty minutes of TV-watching I had learned how important it was for me to appeal physically to others. How about that for feminine indoctrination?

Researching this post, I ran into a 2004 Ms. Magazine article. The author, Jennifer Pozner, eloquently articulates the impact of reality show’s sexist stereotyping:

Dangerous beauty myths are fundamental to the reality universe, where women are unworthy of love and happiness if they’re not stereotypical hot babes…They want women to think like June Cleaver, look like Miss America and — in a nod to modernity — have sex like Madonna. Hello, Stepford.

She’s right. Except that we’re not a country of Stepford Wives anymore. We’re a country of Blackhawk Girls, Kardashian Klans, and Housewives of Every County.

Al Bundy would be proud.

 

June 18, 2010

Intentional Parenting Tenant: Teaching Gratitude

Posted by butterandtoast under Childhood, how we live, kids, parenting, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , |
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I have been wanting to delineate a list of values that can direct my husband and me as we raise our child. It seems easy, but it’s really not if you want to be intentional and specific about it. When I was studying acting, there was a basic exercise in which an actor would have to sit in front of the class and mime an activity that she performed every day. For instance, I chose brushing my teeth. And the goal was to be as specific as possible in one’s actions so that the audience could understand, not just what you were doing, but how you did it.

Afterward, my professor would ask questions such as, What kind of toothpaste does she use? What kind of faucet handle does she have? and, depending on whether the actor was specific in her actions, the students could answer that she had a tube of toothpaste (because she had to roll up the bottom to get some out) or that she had round knobs on her sink (because she used all of her wrist and fingers in a twisting motion). What I took away from that exercise is that specificity leads to better communication, which leads to understanding, which (hopefully) leads to implementation.

So I want to be specific about what I want my child to learn and be. The first tenant I am tackling is gratitude.

Gratitude

Each of the tenants I will write about have two goals for my son: That he be content in his life and that he make others feel content in theirs. And gratitude is the first step in this direction. This week, in The Huffington Post, Dr. Jim Taylor discussed the emotional impact that gratitude has on oneself:

Gratitude is such a simple, yet powerful emotion. In fact, one of the most surprising and robust findings of the growing body of research on happiness is that expressing gratitude has on one’s basic level of happiness. In a nutshell, when people express gratitude, they feel happier for several days. And, not unexpectedly, the recipients of that gratitude feel pretty darned good too.

And the impact it has on others:

There are load of upsides to gratitude. Aside from the happiness boost you get, gratitude has also been related to higher energy, a more optimistic attitude, and greater empathy toward others. And you make the people to whom you express gratitude happy. Gratitude also has survival value. When you express gratitude toward others, they’re more likely to help you in the future, thereby increasing your chances of survival.

Yet a growing number of people seem to view gratitude as a weak character trait. In sports, pop culture, and business, we increasingly value aggressiveness over politeness: I got mine, how are you doing?

When we get bad customer service, we are indignant (how dare he?) but when we get good customer service we are indifferent (that is his job, isn’t it?). I fall victim to this cycle of ingratitude all of the time. But it leads me to unhappiness, if only temporarily. And the higher road, the road of empathizing and respecting others, generally makes me feel happy when I choose to take it.

Dr. Taylor also discusses the role materialism and greed plays into the lack of gratitude we see so often:

The problem is that, by never being satisfied with what we have, we can never be grateful for what we have. And, by extension, in always wanting more, more, more, we feel unsatisfied and inadequate about who and where we are now. We need to step back and gain perspective on what we have. Compared to about 99% of the world, we have so much. We should feel fortunate, not wanting, for all that we have.

Source: ModernVintageHome

When I was growing up, my friends had to call my home phone in order to get in touch with me. There was something comforting about that for a parent–it allowed them to get to know their children’s friends and children had to learn to respect their friend’s parents. But it also made ownership of the phone crystal clear: To find me at my parent’s home you must call me on their phone. In other words, there was no misunderstanding about who was paying for the phone, and making my three-hour chat-marathons possible.  I am not saying that I realized this at thirteen years old, but there was a certain social construct in place that created clear roles between adults and children. And as a teenager, though I desperately wanted independence and autonomy from my parents, (the closest thing I ever got to having my own phone was a ten foot long chord that I could drag from the family room into my bedroom), in my heart I knew my limitations as a child and my parent’s responsibilities as adults. And with that understanding came an inherent gratitude.

source: Little Spring Design

Yet, today’s children have their own personal phones on which they can be reached whenever by whomever. They can personalize their home screen, download personalized ring tones, and fill the contact list with only their friends. And I’ve met and taught many of these kids who believe that a phone is their birthright. They believe that they need and deserve a phone, without much thought about the folks who make their texting and calling possible. The line between point A and point B isn’t as straight as it once was and therefore I don’t really blame the kids themselves. Besides, a teenager’s narrow worldview lends itself to a certain self-centeredness. It’s up to parents to teach them gratitude. It’s up to parents to limit the amount of “more, more, more” they seek. And it’s up to parents to remind ourselves that we are doing it for their long-term happiness.

I want my son to be as happy with a little as he is with a lot. There will be times in his life when he will have to make do with less money or possessions and my goal is that he can remain independent, good-natured, and confident during those times. On the flip side, I don’t want him to feel guilty when he is enjoying a fancy vacation or buying a brand-new suit–there is happiness in big rewards as well. Gratitude is contentedness, whatever the situation.

My friend, Leslie, made a CD of kids songs for her son’s first birthday. My little pal and I listen to it weekly, if not more (okay, much, much more). The last song is sung a cappella, and in a round, by a wonderful Chicago-based children’s singer named Susan Salidor. I don’t know if it is the simplicity of the presentation or the specificity of the message, but it sticks with me for days after I’ve listened to it. It’s now my version of a bedtime prayer with my son:

Every Moment, Every Day

It is possible to be thankful every moment, every day
It takes practice and humility
It takes vision and civility
It takes beauty and the wisdom
To see it every day.

I will likely post more on gratitude. It turns out to be the foundation of the values that I want my little pal to live with; yet it is also the most elusive. Gratitude doesn’t mean to just be thankful that you got a new shirt. It means to be accepting, empathetic, polite, satisfied, generous, and nearly everything else a person must be in order to be truly happy every moment, every day.

In an effort to help me sort out my own Intentional Parenting List, I’d love to hear from readers–what do you think are the most important values to teach children?

 

June 14, 2010

Good Day Sunshine

Posted by butterandtoast under food, home, how we live, kids, parenting | Tags: , , |
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Last week, Ain’t no Mom Jeans summed up the Environmental Working Group’s sunscreen research and recommendations. It was a lot to get through and a lot to understand. And, being a man of science, my husband was skeptical. He demanded to know the sources, methods, algorithms, and beaker size involved in EWG’s research. And to some extent, once I got to the punch line–that the only good sunscreens are upwards of $12 an ounce–I was skeptical too.

But the research is good research as far as either of us can tell. When I started reading nanotechnology statistics to my husband (Herzog method, anyone?) we both sort of called a truce. Because the real story seems to be that a lot of the risks are simply unknown. And, though I am a bargain-hunter at heart, reading evidence such as the following was disturbing enough to make me proud to plunk down a cool $20 for a tube so small it can fit in my back pocket:

In FDA’s one-year study, tumors and lesions developed up to 21 percent sooner in lab animals coated in a vitamin A-laced cream (at a concentration of 0.5%) than animals treated with a vitamin-free cream. Both groups were exposed to the equivalent of just nine minutes of maximum intensity sunlight each day (Environmental Working Group).

In this case, Vitamin A is in 41% of sunscreens, so a buyer has to be pretty diligent to avoid it. And how about this Fun Fact:

The Environmental Working Group tested more than 780 sunscreen products currently on the market, and found many contain potentially harmful chemicals which could be bad for your children. Among them: something called oxybenzone that the group fears could act as a hormone disruptor for your kids. At least 95 percent of the girls they tested who used sunscreen had the substance in their urine (City News Canada).

Great.

I can’t claim to understand the real and long-term impact of these chemicals. But I do know that cancer continues to be pervasive and proliferate, and rates of early puberty are also on the rise. It might not be the oxybenzone in my sunscreen, nor the pesticides on our fruit, nor the hormones in our milk. But it has to be something. That’s about as far as I’ve gotten. And that’s good enough for me.

Right now we are trying out California Baby simply because it is available at Target, making it one of the only convenient choices recommended by EWG. Expensive, but convenient. But, after buying California Baby in a panic, I looked up Neutrogena Pure & Free on EWG’s website and it seems to be a good choice too. It’s half the price of California Baby, so we’ll likely go with that in the future.

Below is a list from EWG’s Shopper’s Guide to Safer Sunscreens. Just be aware that many still have chemicals you may not want in your sunscreen. (Blue Lizard, for instance, has many parabens listed as ingredients, which seem no better than oxybenzone). I guess they like to keep us on our toes…our sun-burnt, chemical-covered toes.

BEST EASY-TO-FIND SUNSCREENS

California Baby – any sunscreen
Mustela – “Sun Cream” or “Sun Lotion, Bebe”
Mission Skincare – “Face Stick”
Neutrogena – “Pure & Free” or “Sensitive Skin”
Blue Lizard – “Face”, “Baby”, or “Sensitive”
Jason Natural or Earth’s Best – “Mineral Based”
Solar Sense – “Clear Zinc Sport Stick”
CVS – “Sport Sunstick”
Coppertone Water BABIES – “Pure & Simple”

 

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